‘I’m Desperate – Get Me Publicity’ - Your cut out & keep guide to the showbiz event of the season

Until a few generations ago, our forebears measured the passing of the seasons by the ripening of their crops, the migrations of the birds, and by noticing how bloody cold it was in their unheated hovels.

Now we know that Christmas is coming because X-Factor’s on, the Easter stock is in Tesco’s and a group of people that you half recognize from the pages of Hot Stars magazine are about to go on a pretty disappointing holiday. For money.

You can’t be bothered with all that nonsense though can you? You’ve got glamorous parties to go to, and The Walking Dead to watch.

Here, then, to save you all the tedium of watching 'I’m Not Quite A Celebrity, Please Remedy This' are the celebrated individuals to whom Ant and Dec will be feeding the ghastliest canapés in Christendom this Winter