‘I’m Desperate – Get Me Publicity’ - Your cut out & keep guide to the showbiz event of the season

Until a few generations ago, our forebears measured the passing of the seasons by the ripening of their crops, the migrations of the birds, and by noticing how bloody cold it was in their unheated hovels.

Now we know that Christmas is coming because X-Factor’s on, the Easter stock is in Tesco’s and a group of people that you half recognize from the pages of Hot Stars magazine are about to go on a pretty disappointing holiday. For money.

You can’t be bothered with all that nonsense though can you? You’ve got glamorous parties to go to, and The Walking Dead to watch.

Here, then, to save you all the tedium of watching 'I’m Not Quite A Celebrity, Please Remedy This' are the celebrated individuals to whom Ant and Dec will be feeding the ghastliest canapés in Christendom this Winter

Gail Porter – Once famous for having rather photogenic buttocks, then latterly for having a photogenic scalp, Ms.Porter would have been a popular and quite possibly victorious figure in the line-up. At the last minute, though, she appears to have suffered an attack of dignity (or possibly an attack of mental) and has yielded her sleeping-bag to a lady with photogenic breasts.

Replacement contestant: Do you think she'll be doing this face the whole time?

Aggro Santos – Not sure about this one. He's either a singer or a 1970s Christian skinhead pastime I think. He’s in the show just until everyone remembers that what they liked about his solitary hit was that nice young lady from the Pussycat dolls in the no clothes. First out.


Sheryl Gascoigne – She used to be married to a man who used to be good at football. What’s that you say? Of course she’s a celebrity. She’s on the telly. Right now. In a pretend jungle. See?

Shaun Ryder – He’s a maverick, he’s a rebel. He won’t do some crappy reality show. He’s not Bez.
Well, he won’t do some crappy reality show unless THE MAN is paying him an acceptable amount. What WILL he do? Shaun will swear a lot, but on cautiously bleeped primetime ITV sound like R2-fucken-D2. He’ll moan a lot about not having enough fags, or booze, or Findus savoury pancakes. He’ll leave in about week three, muttering about not wanting to be part of And and Dec’s ‘New World Order’ or something before reappearing on our screens a couple of weeks later in an advert for margarine or stairlifts.

Alison Hammond – Alison, the inventor of the Hammond organ and the Hammond cheese toasted sandwich, is taking part in this worthy charity event to raise awareness of impoverished charity wristband makers in the now dilapidated. Big Brother house. Either that or she’s some tubby lass who’s best known for appearing in lots of other reality shows. Can’t remember what she did originally. Something about sandwiches?

A lady with some boobs, yesterday

Stacey Solomon – Remember her? Andy Warhol once memorably said that ‘in the future, everyone would have 15 minutes of fame’. Well this is the future now, and he was right. He didn’t say sixteen minutes of fame though, did he Stacey? Will probably play the ‘bikini one size too small’ card early and often. Will that help? Depends if you read Zoo magazine or not. ProTip: Zoo readers represent a small minority of I’m A Celebrity voters.

Lembit Opik – The Liberal Democrat Party’s class clown will be lopsidedly grinning at the fruitiest young miss in the jungle, and when she goes after week two he’ll retrain the rictus on the second fruitiest miss in the jungle. A likely recipient of multiple Bush tucker Challenges, I predict, by dint of his being one of the most annoying life-forms on Earth ever.

Dom Joly – Not much scope for hidden camera pranks in the jungle. No opportunities to show off his impressive record collection either. Unless Ant & Dec let him have a little go on their X-box in the hotel room before the show starts I fear it will be a wasted trip.

Britt Ekland – Now I can’t remember: Is Britt one of those Seventies dolly-birds who have allowed an unscrupulous surgeon turn her into a replica of Janice from the Muppets or is she one of the normal-looking ones? She’s kissed Roger Moore and one of the Stray Cats. I doubt whether she’ll be too fazed at the prospect of putting a giant slug in her mouth.

Linford Christie – I love Linford. He’s like a young Gary Coleman or Barry White. Apart from that I don’t know much about him. He has the eyes of a man with a short temper. Let’s hope he has a colossal argument with Shaun on day one.

Non-doctor Gillian: She'll totally smell your poo

Gillian McKeith – everyone in Britain except Ben Goldacre loves the wizened little kobold who makes people shit in a Tupperware so she can smell it. 

She’ll be in her element in the jungle, the little weirdo.

She’ll eat lots of leaves because they contain oxygen, fricassee a snake or two to expel toxins and then shit in a Tupperware and make everyone else smell it. she'll outlast almost everyone except...

Havers: Just look at the way he's working that hat

Nigel Havers – One for the mums then. The floppy-haired smoothie who looks like he has a decaying portrait of Richard Madeley in his attic is the token touch of class in the jungle. 


If I were fool enough to put money on this kind of thing, he’d be the kind person I would expect to be striding purposefully towards Ant and Dec in the final week of the show. 


Plus, if anyone can carry off the special hat, it’s him.